Embracing imperfections
When you shift your focus from reacting to the things you don't want to actively pursuing the things you do want, a profound transformation can occur.
Self-questioning is a natural and beneficial aspect of our lives. It prevents us from becoming sociopathic or stagnant. Healthy doubt maintains our humility and motivates us to strive for improvement. However, there are moments when our negative self-perceptions become overwhelmingly dominant and influential. These beliefs can exert such control over our actions that we end up feeling ashamed and regretful, chastising ourselves for making precisely the wrong choices at the worst possible times.
These self-destructive tendencies can manifest in various ways. For instance, an athlete may experience psychosomatic injuries that only manifest when they reach the final stages of a competition. Alternatively, the impact may be less easily discernible, permeating multiple areas of life without clear identification.
Individuals can unconsciously undermine their relationships, work, and even their well-being. This self-sabotage might extend to all aspects of their existence, as if denying themselves any semblance of joy or success.
Believe
Within your unconscious mind, a complex web of beliefs exists, much like a unique fingerprint. This matrix of beliefs develops and evolves as you accumulate experiences, particularly during your formative years. Certain aspects of this matrix will be positive, such as "I possess mathematical aptitude," "I am beautiful," or "My parents are content." Conversely, negative beliefs may also form, such as "I lack talent," "I am unintelligent," or "Men/women are dangerous," or "Mice/spiders pose a life-threatening risk."
This system of beliefs acts as a filter that colors your perception of the world. It influences how you interpret and make sense of everything you encounter, ultimately shaping your decision-making process, whether it involves choosing subjects for your A-levels or selecting a life partner.
Some beliefs can become so deeply ingrained in your sense of identity that they begin to restrict the life you lead and the person you become. You find yourself engaged in a constant battle, striving to disprove the negative beliefs while simultaneously upholding the validity of the self-affirming ones.
During our younger years, it's common to arrive at extreme or exaggerated conclusions. As children, our thinking tends to be more binary, dividing the world into categories of good or bad, winning or losing, being loved or unlovable.
In therapeutic contexts, we refer to the event that leads a child to develop a negative self-perception as the "initial sensitizing event" or "significant emotional event." These events don't necessarily have to be dramatic; they can be as seemingly insignificant as tripping during a school play or being reprimanded by a parent for drawing on walls (as these experiences hold significance for a child).
When confronted with a negative message or injunction, a child has two choices. They can either accept the message and integrate it healthily into their worldview, or they can reject it and strive to prove it wrong. However, since the negative belief already exists as a truth in their perception, rejecting it only creates inner conflict and reinforces the belief through repeated referencing. This sets the stage for a life marked by contradiction and seemingly irrational behavior.
A child who vehemently resists a negative injunction like "You're not good enough" is likely to become an overachiever. They will strive for success and excel in various domains, achieving top grades in school, winning in sports, or even attaining professional success. However, their accomplishments are driven by a fear-based belief that the negative injunction is true, preventing them from genuinely enjoying their achievements. Regardless of their accomplishments, they never truly feel like a success.
It's as if there is an invisible line that, if crossed, would lead them into the unfamiliar territory of genuinely feeling accomplished. Stepping over that line would require disproving the negative belief that initially motivated their success. They would need to accept that they are not a failure and that they are, indeed, good enough.
While this may sound desirable, it's not an easy task. It involves shifting a significant burden of unconscious resistance and confronting deeply ingrained beliefs.
That limiting belief, along with its interconnected beliefs and reinforcing patterns, becomes the very foundation of an individual's reality. Additionally, the unconscious mind finds comfort in maintaining the person's perceived safety within the boundaries of that belief. Disproving such a belief, no matter how unpleasant it may seem, carries great risk. The unconscious mind intentionally sabotages any success that could potentially propel the person beyond that belief, effectively keeping them in the realm of perceived failure.
This cycle can be likened to landing on a snake in the game of Snakes & Ladders, causing the person to slide back down into the territory of failure. The pain of this setback then resets the cycle, perpetuating the pattern.
As expressed by one of my clients, it's like riding the exhilarating wave of motivation toward success, only to be abruptly pulled back into the depths of struggle when the shore is within reach.
This process can be observed in the fluctuation of weight for individuals who struggle with yo-yo dieting or in repeated trips to rehab for those battling addiction. It also manifests as procrastination when there's work to be done, overspending when there's a need to save, or pushing away potential romantic partners who could have been "The One" due to the fear that being in a successful relationship would disprove the belief of being unlovable.
The unconscious mind finds change inherently scary, regardless of whether the current situation brings misery. It perceives sticking with the familiar, even in the midst of discomfort, as safer than venturing into the unknown.
When you shift your focus from reacting to the things you don't want to actively pursuing the things you do want, a profound transformation can occur.
It's a widely recognized fact that running away from something only amplifies its fear. Whether it's a monster in a nightmare or your little sister chasing you up the stairs, fleeing intensifies the terror. Similarly, when you constantly move away from failure, guided by your limiting belief, you live a life dominated by fear. In this state, you remain oblivious to the positive aspects of your personality and the world around you. Your attention is consumed by constantly looking over your shoulder to gauge the proximity of the metaphorical monster.
However, embarking on a different path—one that involves moving towards success—offers a starkly contrasting experience. Although it may initially seem risky, it is by relinquishing the constant vigilance for the monster that you can truly feel safer, stronger, and more successful. By shifting your focus towards what you want to achieve and embracing the journey, you open yourself up to a life free from the shackles of fear and limitation.
In contrast, a person who embraces a "towards" existence can constantly feel a sense of achievement as long as they are learning and growing. In this mindset, the concept of failure loses its power. Every experience that contributes to personal growth can be viewed as a success, regardless of the specific outcome.
This transformation stems from a fundamental change in one's self-image. When driven by fear and limiting beliefs, one operates under the notion of "I'm not good enough... but if I can just achieve X, then I'll be okay." X might represent a particular possession, a specific body size, or a particular qualification. However, this mindset is bound to fail because as soon as X is attained, the focus shifts to pursuing Y and Z. There is always a need for something external to feel good about oneself.
On the other hand, when one operates from the standpoint of "I'm good enough, and this next endeavour can make me even better," challenges themselves become exciting opportunities rather than potential pitfalls. With this growth-oriented perspective, setbacks and bad days provide valuable information about how to improve and become better in the future. While there will still be ups and downs, the difference lies in the fact that when progress becomes the primary focus, any temporary stagnation in life is unlikely to be as low as before because there is a continuous process of learning and growth.
Making this change in practice can be achieved through various approaches. For some individuals, it naturally evolves as a part of growing up and gaining self-awareness over time. However, for others, a transformative shift can occur in a single moment of insight, which articles like this one aim to facilitate.
Gaining an alternative perspective on the memory or experience that formed the basis of your limiting belief—your metaphorical monster—can have a profound impact and change everything. By reexamining and reframing that pivotal memory, you have the opportunity to challenge and transform the belief that has been holding you back. This process involves exploring the event from different angles, questioning its validity, and seeking new interpretations that empower and uplift you. Through this shift in perspective, you can release the grip of the limiting belief and open up new possibilities for personal growth and fulfilment.
Indeed, the answer to making this change is often simpler than we realize: it is to stop running away. To do so, we must become comfortable with things not going according to plan. Embracing the metaphorical monster and realizing that it is not as scary as it seems becomes essential.
In truth, the occasional failure in exams, losing in the final, or saying something silly does not define us as losers. People achieve greater heights when they disconnect objective failure from their sense of identity. By doing so, they allow themselves to embrace challenges as opportunities for growth and improvement. This mindset enables them to find joy in the journey itself rather than fixating solely on the next requirement for validation.
It's important to recognize that the opposite of "not good enough" is not perfection. Take a moment to let that sink in—being good enough does not equate to being perfect. In fact, often, striving for perfection is precisely what falls short of being good enough.
Embracing imperfections and accepting that they are a part of our human experience is a liberating realization. By letting go of the need for perfection, we can free ourselves from the constraints of self-imposed expectations. This allows us to embrace growth, take risks, and ultimately live a more fulfilling and successful life.
Written by a friend and fellow writer.