She Irritates Me
Extending them the benefit of the doubt could touch their heart and potentially evoke a change in their behavior.
Have you ever encountered someone in your life whose mere presence wipes the smile off your face? The moment they step into the room or their name is mentioned, you feel uneasy and uncomfortable. There's a specific incident etched in your mind where they treated you poorly, and it replays in your thoughts relentlessly.
Their presence also resurrects unpleasant memories from the past, causing your mind to spiral with anxiety, fear, and anger. You find yourself constantly oscillating between the shores of the past and the future, consumed by thoughts of what harm they might inflict upon you next. Each thought intensifies your anger, unsettles your gut, and drains your energy.
You genuinely strive to establish a positive relationship with them, but every conversation leaves you bewildered. Your emotions and words fail to align with your intentions. The simple act of wanting to mend things becomes a convoluted mess, leaving you questioning your efforts to do the right thing. Your relationship with them is strained, and despite your attempts to improve it, you sometimes inadvertently worsen it.
You sense a lack of acknowledgement from them. It feels as if you don't matter to them. Your needs, concerns, and ideas go unheard, and even if they are acknowledged, it's as though they treat you as insignificant.
According to Google's definition, resentment is a bitter indignation resulting from being treated unfairly. And that is precisely what you're experiencing. Here's what I've learned about dealing with resentment and how to navigate through it.
DEALING WITH IT
A second comes before the first has subsided, and a third on top of those, and so on; each wave rides the tails of those before, quickly escalating the body’s level of physiological arousal. A thought that comes later in this buildup triggers a far greater intensity of anger than one that comes at the beginning. Anger builds on anger; the emotional brain heats up. By then rage, unhampered by reason, easily erupts in violence.
— Daniel Goleman in Emotional Intelligence.
Bitterness towards someone doesn't develop overnight; it gradually takes hold. The process of nurturing resentment plays a significant role in this progression.
It begins with an incident that causes us pain—a wound inflicted upon our mind. As the initial wound remains unhealed, subsequent incidents follow suit. Although individually these incidents may not hold great significance, their accumulation becomes problematic. Just as the saying goes, Rome wasn't built in a day, and neither was your resentment.
Have you ever pondered the exact reason behind your dislike for this person? What makes them evoke such discomfort within you?
Attempt to identify a valid reason for your feelings. Take a step back and examine if there is truly something substantial there. More often than not, you'll discover that your sentiments toward that person are not based on facts but rather on a tendency to overthink. It's even possible that your profound irritation stems solely from the exaggerated ruminations of unimportant incidents or even scenarios that existed solely in your mind.
Once you recognize this, you come to understand that these incidents don't warrant the excessive amount of your time, peace, and energy. Moving forward, one approach is to quell the initial sparks of anger by cultivating self-awareness—reminding yourself that the situation is not worth the emotional investment.
Give them the benefit of the doubt:
Granting people the benefit of the doubt demonstrates respect towards them and safeguards your own mental energy. It involves considering whether there could be underlying reasons for their actions. It's possible that they are grappling with personal challenges unbeknownst to you. Their mind may be preoccupied with issues such as a difficult relationship with their spouse, financial struggles, the health of a loved one, or pressure from their superiors. They might be dealing with their own troubles and burdens.
Until you know their reason, how do you know they have acted wrongly?
— Epictetus
It also not only demonstrates respect but also reflects your maturity. It signifies that you don't rush into hasty judgments or conclusions, but rather take the time to consider various perspectives. It showcases your ability to handle situations with maturity and thoughtfulness. By giving others the benefit of the doubt, you exhibit a level of trust in their intentions and actions. Moreover, in case your doubts turn out to be unfounded, this approach allows you to save face and maintain positive relationships.
There is a possibility that the person who has been treating you poorly may be going through a difficult situation. Extending them the benefit of the doubt could touch their heart and potentially evoke a change in their behaviour. In my personal experience, I have found that giving people the benefit of the doubt can even melt their defences to the point where they might acknowledge their wrongdoings and offer an apology.
In such situations, it is important to consider the following steps:
Empathy
Empathy is a crucial quality to develop as it allows you to understand and relate to another person's situation. It is often said, "Never judge another man until you have walked a mile in his shoes." Empathy requires you to question yourself and consider how you would act if you were in their position. It challenges you to reflect on your own strengths and weaknesses and whether you would have the resilience to face the same challenges as they are facing.
When you approach situations with empathy, it not only brings peace of mind but also enables you to sympathize with the other person's circumstances. You come to recognize that these individuals do not deserve your anger, but rather your compassion. Empathy allows you to see beyond their actions and understand the underlying reasons behind their behaviour. It opens the door for greater understanding, forgiveness, and the potential for healing and reconciliation.
Let them breathe:
It is common for us to have unrealistic expectations of others, desiring them to be flawless in every situation. However, this mindset often leads to frustration and disappointment.
It is essential to recognize that individuals are not superhuman or demigods. Nobody is perfect, and everyone is prone to making mistakes. In his book 'Meditations,' Marcus Aurelius advises us to start our day by acknowledging that we will encounter people who may exhibit negative traits such as busyness, ingratitude, egotism, dishonesty, jealousy, and crankiness. These individuals are afflicted by their ignorance of distinguishing between good and evil. However, Aurelius reminds us that, having understood the beauty of good and the ugliness of evil, we can recognize that these wrongdoers are still human beings, just like us. Therefore, their actions cannot truly harm us or drag us into ugliness. We should not harbour anger or hatred towards our relatives or others because we are meant to cooperate with one another.
Aurelius sets the expectation that people may act unjustly or incorrectly. Socrates also emphasized that almost no one intentionally commits wrongdoing; rather, they may not be aware of the impact of their actions. They might lack the understanding of how their behaviour affects others because, ultimately, they too are human.
Understanding this can help us cultivate empathy and patience. Instead of harbouring resentment or anger towards others, we can strive to educate and communicate with them, fostering a better understanding of the consequences of their actions. Recognizing the shared humanity in each individual allows us to approach difficult situations with compassion and work towards constructive solutions rather than simply harbouring negative emotions.
Forgive, Do Not Forget, but Move on:
When someone has wronged you, causing you suffering, it is natural to feel justified in your grievances. You may have been right in your assessment of the situation, and what you endured might have been incredibly difficult.
One way to approach this situation is to harbour resentment you and hold onto it for years on end. You may make it your life's mission to never have a positive thought or feeling towards the person who wronged you. However, as you grow and mature, it becomes essential to realize that they do not deserve the privilege of occupying a rent-free space in your mind.
Forgiveness is often described as illogical, yet it holds a certain transformative power. As H.G. Sacidananda Das aptly said, "Forgiveness is not logical, but it is magical."
Forgiveness offers a different path—a more liberating one. It may not seem logical at first. After all, the person who harmed you has done wrong. But is resentment logical? Is holding onto negative emotions logical? Consider whether you have the ability to change what happened or if it truly matters in the present moment. More often than not, the answers to these questions will be "no."
Forgiving someone does not justify or excuse their actions. It does not absolve them of responsibility for their behavior. But holding a grudge against them does not make them any more wrong either. In fact, it tends to perpetuate negativity and keeps you bound to the pain of the past.
True forgiveness goes beyond mere external actions; it is an internal process. It holds real meaning when you can genuinely let go and move forward. It involves both forgiving and forgetting. By releasing the grip of the past, you free yourself from the burden of resentment, allowing space for healing, growth, and a more positive future.
Taking responsibility for our lives and embracing the concept of Amor Fati, the love of fate, can empower us to deal with challenging situations without being overwhelmed by emotions. By accepting that a particular circumstance is our fate, we can approach it with clarity of thought and formulate a plan of action.
Everything we encounter, whether positive or negative, is a result of our past actions. Accepting these outcomes as our fate grants us the courage to confront the situation without placing blame on others. It allows us to take responsibility not only for the things we have done but also for the things that have happened to us.
When faced with resentment, I have found solace in exploring these concepts and incorporating them into my life. This article is a result of my personal experiences and the research I have conducted over the past few months. These tips are strategies that I am actively trying to apply in my own journey of dealing with resentment.
I sincerely hope that these insights and suggestions prove beneficial to you. If you have any approaches or methods that you find effective in dealing with resentment, I would be grateful to learn from your experiences. Feel free to share your insights, as we can all learn and grow together in our quest for emotional well-being.
I learnt a lot from this. Jazakumullahu khayran sir.
Nice write-up. It spoke to me.