They May Not Realize They Were Wrong

What they considered wise and prudent in their day may not align with the realities of our time.

Acknowledging that our parents may have been wrong in some aspects is a challenging and emotionally fraught journey. From the moment we come into this world, they are the first to cradle us, to teach us, to show us the ways of life. They nurture us in the folds of their care, protect us from the dangers they perceive, and shape our worldview according to their understanding of what is right and wrong. In the eyes of a child, parents seem infallible, and their decisions appear like absolute truths, carved in stone. Yet as we grow older and life unfolds, we begin to see the cracks in this image of perfection. We realize that they, too, are human—fallible, capable of mistakes, and often, unaware of the wrongs they may have done.

This revelation stirs within us a complex array of emotions—confusion, frustration, sometimes even resentment. How can the very people who taught us everything we know about life have been mistaken? But this is a part of the human condition, my dear brothers and sisters. It is a lesson in humility, a lesson in recognizing that no human being, no matter how beloved, is exempt from error. Even those who brought us into this world, who sacrificed so much for us, are subject to the limitations of human judgment.

We must understand, first and foremost, that parents act based on what they know. Their decisions, even if flawed, are often rooted in their love for us and their desire to protect us from harm. But their knowledge, their worldview, is shaped by their own experiences, their own upbringing, and the culture of the time in which they were raised. What they considered wise and prudent in their day may not align with the realities of our time. What they deemed correct may now be seen through the lens of our present understanding as misguided or even harmful.

Photo by Aditya Chinchure on Unsplash

This is where we must tread carefully, for it is easy to slip into blame. We may be tempted to hold our parents accountable for the pain we feel, for the struggles we now endure, or for the ways in which we perceive ourselves to have been wronged. But let us remember, blame is not the way of the believer. We are taught by our beloved Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) to uphold the rights of our parents, to honor them, to respect them—even when we believe they have erred.

Allah (SWT) says in the Qur'an:

وَوَصَّيْنَا ٱلْإِنسَـٰنَ بِوَٰلِدَيْهِ حَمَلَتْهُ أُمُّهُۥ وَهْنًا عَلَىٰ وَهْنٍۢ وَفِصَـٰلُهُۥ فِى عَامَيْنِ أَنِ ٱشْكُرْ لِى وَلِوَٰلِدَيْكَ إِلَىَّ ٱلْمَصِيرُ

"And We have enjoined upon man [care] for his parents. His mother carried him, [increasing her] in weakness upon weakness, and his weaning is in two years. Be grateful to Me and to your parents; to Me is the [final] destination."**

Surah Luqman, 31:14

This is a powerful reminder that gratitude to our parents is inseparable from gratitude to Allah. It is a commandment that transcends their imperfections. Yes, they may have made mistakes, but our duty to them remains. We are to honor them, not because they are perfect, but because Allah (SWT) has placed them in a position of honor over us.

At the same time, Islam does not ask us to be blind to their errors. We are encouraged to seek knowledge, to grow, and to surpass the limitations of the past. Our parents may have taught us certain ways of thinking, certain customs, or certain behaviors that, upon reflection, do not align with the principles of justice, mercy, or wisdom as we understand them today. This does not mean we discard their teachings wholesale, but rather, we approach them with a discerning heart—grateful for the good they instilled in us, while striving to correct and improve where necessary.

We must remember that our parents are a product of their time. They lived through trials and circumstances that we may not fully comprehend. Their fears, their anxieties, their judgments—all of these were shaped by the world they inhabited. It is possible that in their desire to protect us, they imposed limitations that, from our perspective, were unnecessary or even harmful. But they did so not out of malice, but out of love.

Take the example of a parent who, out of fear of financial insecurity, discourages their child from pursuing a path of passion or talent, insisting instead on a more "secure" profession. From the parent's viewpoint, they are shielding their child from the hardships they themselves endured. They do not realize that in doing so, they may be stifling the child's God-given talents, preventing them from fulfilling their true potential. Their mistake is not one of evil intent, but of limited foresight. They are trying to protect, not realizing that protection, in this case, may lead to suppression.

So how do we navigate this tension? How do we reconcile the love we have for our parents with the realization that they may have been wrong? The answer lies in patience, understanding, and forgiveness. Patience in acknowledging that they did the best they could with the knowledge they had. Understanding that their mistakes are a reflection of their humanity, not a reflection of their worth. And forgiveness, because we too will one day be in their position, and we too will hope that our children forgive us for our own shortcomings.

But forgiveness does not mean passivity. It is not about accepting wrongs without striving for betterment. We have a duty to break cycles of misunderstanding, to build upon the foundation our parents laid, and to correct the wrongs that they may not even realize they committed. We do this not with bitterness, but with love and humility. We do this as a form of sadaqah jariyah (ongoing charity) for them, knowing that if we improve upon their legacy, it will be a source of reward for them in the Hereafter.

Our parents may not realize they were wrong, but we have the ability to gently guide them, to honor their intentions while steering the next generation toward a path of greater wisdom and compassion. We do this not to belittle them, but to elevate them, recognizing that their sacrifices allowed us the opportunity to grow beyond their limitations.

May Allah (SWT) grant us the wisdom to honor our parents with patience and humility, and may He grant them mercy for their shortcomings, just as we hope for mercy in our own. Aameen.