Are We Compatible?
At the initial stages of many relationships, both partners often approach each other with open hearts and a willingness to accept any incompatibilities that may exist between them.
Unlike the intense mix of emotions that can arise from chemistry, compatibility is not an immediate and overwhelming experience.
Compatibility refers to the harmonious match between two individuals in terms of their lifestyle choices and values.
The potential for a lasting relationship depends on the level of compatibility shared between two people. A strong compatibility often arises from similarities in lifestyle choices and values. When two individuals align in these aspects, it increases the likelihood of a successful and fulfilling long-term partnership.
Compatibility can also emerge from the presence of opposite traits between individuals. For example, a woman who tends to get easily angry may find herself engaging in fewer or more serene arguments when paired with a calm and composed man, as opposed to someone who shares her own quick-tempered nature. This indicates that compatibility is not solely limited to similarities but can also be influenced by complementary qualities that bring balance and harmony to a relationship.
For instance: I value women who are religious, intelligent, enjoy reading, and are highly educated. If I meet a woman who doesn’t like reading, isn’t intelligent and not religious, then she and I will have a major incompatibility that will never be overcome. Because I can never stand an unintelligent person.
Friction within relationships is often a result of incompatibilities. While you may experience strong chemistry with someone, the presence of friction can hinder both individuals from fully embracing and pursuing that chemistry.
Other times you might meet the person who’s in a relationship, but you just “click” with them. They laugh with you, smile when you smile, share your aspirations… and they’re married.
Not only is this amazing person married, but they purposefully stop talking to you. It’s not that they don’t like you. They do. They just value their marriage with someone else more than the chemistry with you.
Every individual is unique, with their own distinct personalities, beliefs, and values. These differences naturally create points of friction in any interaction or relationship. No two people are identical, and it's unrealistic to expect complete agreement or complete liking between individuals.
No matter what, there will always be slight differences in values or priorities that will annoy you a little bit or maybe a lot. There will also be hardships or obstacles that will prevent you from being with “that” person.
Compatibility is really simple: All of us have imperfections. Every person we meet and befriend has their own imperfections. The quality of a relationship is determined by people who have complementary imperfections or are willing to tolerate (even appreciate) those imperfections that cause incompatibilities.
The extent of barriers hindering the development of a relationship is contingent upon both your personal values and expectations, as well as those of the other person involved.
For instance, maybe you meet a very beautiful woman or a handsome tall man with a strong charisma. Then he turns out to be someone who doesn’t care about his religion. If you just want to have sex with this person, you may overlook this. Then again, if you have a personal vendetta against an unreligious person, then you’d probably instantly be turned off.
That’s the whole point of compatibility. Your values determine your behaviour, which ultimately determines who you’re compatible with.
Your compatibility in a relationship is not solely determined by the opinions of the person you are attracted to or your family. Instead, it should be based on what is best for you and the type of relationship you desire.
Research indicates that individuals tend to experience greater happiness when they are with someone who shares similarities with them. These similarities can encompass various aspects such as physical attractiveness, intelligence, educational background, sexual desires, social and economic status, hobbies, passions, core values, life goals, and many more factors.
Again, compatibility can’t be faked. That’s why it’s important for you to sit down and figure out what values and traits in a person are compatible with you.
If you are someone like me that have completed your Preferred or Not Preferred List, you’re almost there. Now it’s beneficial to split this list into two categories — Must-Haves and Nice-To-Haves.
Must-Haves are the deal-breakers. The things you won’t tolerate having in a person. These are the qualities a potential partner would absolutely need to have, or else you will not commit to them.
Nice-To-Haves are all the qualities you’d like in your ideal partner but could compromise if you were happy.
Is one of your must-haves someone who cannot cook? Or is that a nice-to-have? Is being a Techy one of your nice-to-have or ideal? Religion? Tallness? Loves reading? A Writer?
This may seem like a pointless exercise to you. And it is…if you want to attract worthless people to you.
Without this list, you’d do what most people do. Meet someone, hang out, fall in love and then figure out whether this person is what you want. If they are really what works within your lifestyle. Which is bad.
Compatibility serves as a means to evaluate whether your desires and needs align with those of the person you desire to have a romantic relationship with. Compatibility can span the spectrum from lacking to extraordinary, encompassing everything in between.
When compatibility levels are higher, there is an increased likelihood that both you and your partner will establish a mutually beneficial relationship. This should be the ultimate objective of any form of interaction or relationship, even if it is only temporary in nature.
The Pillars of Compatibility
Even in the most content and robust relationships, it is common to encounter conflicting values. In my observations, there are typically seven key areas where couples often face challenges.
Communication: Effective communication is vital in any relationship. It involves actively listening to each other, expressing thoughts and feelings honestly and respectfully, and being able to resolve conflicts in a constructive manner. Compatibility in communication means having a similar communication style and being able to understand and connect with each other's needs.
Religious: If you believe in God and your partner doesn’t, then you are bound to disagree — not only about the differences in your beliefs, but also in how you may raise your children.
Shared Values: Provide a sense of alignment and purpose in a relationship. While individual values may differ, having core values that are compatible creates a solid foundation for understanding each other's perspectives, making joint decisions, and pursuing common goals. Compatibility in values fosters a sense of harmony and reduces conflicts arising from significant differences in belief systems.
Emotional Compatibility: Refers to the ability to understand, support, and empathize with each other's emotions. It involves being attuned to each other's emotional needs, providing comfort and reassurance, and fostering emotional intimacy. It also includes having compatible emotional expression styles and being able to navigate both highs and lows together.
Shared Interests and Hobbies: Shared interests and activities help foster a sense of connection and create opportunities for bonding. While it's not necessary to share all hobbies, having some common ground in terms of interests allows for shared experiences, quality time together, and the chance to grow and explore new things as a couple.
Respect and Acceptance: Mutual respect and acceptance are fundamental in any compatible relationship. It means valuing each other's opinions, boundaries, and autonomy. Compatibility in this pillar involves being able to embrace each other's individuality, quirks, and differences without judgment or a desire to change one another.
Differing Intellect: Maybe you like reading like I do, while your guy or lady doesn’t. You may find ways to make it work, but it will be tough. Over time, the differences in how each of you spends your time will cause you to spend your time away from each other.
Compatibility in Lifestyle and Future Goals: This involves considering factors such as long-term goals, career aspirations, financial management, and day-to-day living habits. While it's not necessary to have identical lifestyles, compatibility in this area means being able to find a balance and compromise that supports each other's individual goals and creates a shared vision for the future.
At the initial stages of many relationships, both partners often approach each other with open hearts and a willingness to accept any incompatibilities that may exist between them.
”Oh, you cannot cook?”
We will find a way around it.
”You cant do laundry?”
Everything will be sorted.
”She is dirty”
Well, people change…….and so on.
When we perceive negative traits in a romantic partner through a positive lens, it is often because the neurological effects of love have an intoxicating effect on us. The chemical reactions and romantic chemistry captivate us, leading to exhilarating sleepless nights and a tendency to overlook minor differences. However, as the initial chemical high of love subsides, typically within a span of three-four months, we become more aware of these subtle discrepancies.
As time progresses, these differences may appear to grow more significant. Your tolerance for them diminishes, and you gradually transition from the initial euphoria. This stage is common in all long-term relationships, and it is during this phase that compatibility becomes the driving force that sustains the relationship through hardships and minor disparities.
The truth is: All relationships are made up of both good and bad moments. That’s why relationships follow the oldest of clichés — they require work.
“I don’t love her anymore.”
“H’s too wasteful.”
“He is not even religious.”
These sentiments arise when the incompatibilities between partners become too difficult to bear.
At this point, a choice must be made—to either accept and work through the differences together or to part ways. Unfortunately, there is no definitive path to follow in making this decision.
The strength of your compatibility with your intending partner will shape the longevity and quality of your relationship as you venture into the unknown future.
The key to lasting love lies in finding a balance of both high compatibility and strong chemistry. When compatibility is high but chemistry is low, the relationship may feel more like being roommates, and that can be disheartening.